Wish on a dandylion

Last night I met a guy that I had been talking to over the internet, for coffee and a walk. While I was walking to meet him at my favorite coffee shop, I couldn't help but think, what the hell am I doing? Walking blindly into another date, which will be akward at first and then maybe we both relax and talk, try to get to know each other and determine if this person would be someone I want to spend more or less time with. It was nice, but more and more I am just getting bored with the dating scene. I mean, I love meeting new people but what I crave is the intimacy, which I know takes time and trust and effort, but there is a vulnerability that the guys I have dated (except one... in the distant past) are not open to. And then it only seems like I am the one who is vulnerable. But, perhaps because I allow myself vulnerabilities, I am stronger in myself. I think that is when I really begin to trust a person, when they trust me enough to show their vulnerabilities, that they are not perfect, but instead are imperfect enough to be beautiful.

And then while we are walking we start talking about past relationships and when my turn comes, I talk about my first love. And after we move on to another subject this guy I am walking with says I am still in love with my first love. I wonder, if we ever met, if that would still be there. I don't know. Or if it is the love that I miss, rather than the person I was in love with. I think love is addicting. To use a cliche. So, again, I really don't know, but it would be nice to believe in a real live love story, especially one that I play a central role in.

I guess I always want to believe that there is some romantic fairy tale out there, someone who will meet me and not be an old creepy guy or alcoholic, but a real normal person. Someone who will recognize the importance of the little things, and how much they mean to me. I went for a walk this morning and wished on a dandy lion that there will be someone for me to love who could love me too, soon. And that I can drink enough coffee to focus on all of the things I want to do and my dreams and research papers to keep my sanity and allow time to take its course.

But then tonight I went to a free concert, Reel Big Fish, an awesome ska band and just had a blast with my suite mate. There were two love-songs that totally reverberated with me. One was about a lover coming back and saying that she still loved the guy, and he says fuck you, where have you been for all of these years. Of course, I put myself in the position of the guy, imagining that someone would be telling me that they loved me after all these years. So, totally felt the fuck you vibe. Even though ironically now that I am thinking about it, that is probably the reaction I would get if I did pursue the old love thang' with the old love. Sometimes its nice to pretend that you don't care about it. The United States of Whateva... So, that idea is officially in the scrap heap. The other love song, I don't remember. I officially love ska.