The little Girl With in

Tonight I am feeling that scared and fragile little girl inside of me. The sheer vulnerability of a friend is breaking my heart and the tears are reminding me of other connections made and unmade. Some times I think I just need a good cry: to cry for the love lost, the friends made, the memories that flood in and swirl and warm while also chill me to the bone. Remembering the good times and the connections that gradually faded and also the new experiences that are unfolding every day, every minute. A whole new life could start in the next few seconds, or a new path could be recognized or discovered, or a passion embraced. It is like the time I found a bird in my back yard that had broken its leg, and I took it to school in a shoe box with an eye dropper so I could keep it company since it was hurting. The poor thing lasted the whole day, then when I got home it died, and I was devestated. "It didn't even have chance to fly away from that cat," I sobbed. The anger I felt at the injustice was so immediate that I wanted to hit the air in hopes of hitting an appendage of that thing called God. Why would someone be so cruel? The bird didn't do anything to deserve to die. or hurt.

That same sense of injustice, of but why? Why did this happen? Why to this person who didn't deserve anything painful, ever to happen to her? And then, I am laughing at myself through the tears as I imagine myself striking a picket sign, protesting God - boycotting anything that would inflict so much pain on such and incredible person, and leave her blind to her own inner strength. WHy, huh? That genuine sense of wanting to take on the universe to help this great friend shoulder the journey and the helplessness that you can't toucj something that deep in a person. How do you help a person, especially some one you care deeply about, to trudge through a journey that you yourself have just begun to bring to a close? How do you touch that part that has gone numb because of fear?

Touch. Friendship, Compassion, Patience, Time, Laughter, Tears... Breathe.

I think one of the scariest things is that the helplessness of the situation is completely reversed. Six months ago I was the numb one who was in danger, and now I am on the other side, trying desperately to help... what did I want from any one?