A Bad Day

I read this famous quote a long time ago, "Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to spare." That is exactly how I felt today, although the analogy is a little extreme for my situation. As I've said before, I work in a department store. Today was payday, and throughout the day I had been checking off people in my head that I could buy this for and that for. So I went to cash my paycheck and get a bit of money from the bank. Rent was also due today and I had an overdraft fee on my checking account for eighty dollars. So I got the rent money, and now I have no money until my next paycheck for Christmas presents. I don't know exactly how I am going to pull this semester off. Hell, I've been wishing that I would loose some weight, but I didn't think I would have to give up eating for it. So there I am standing in the department store, surrounded by all of these pricetags and nice things, but nothing in my pocket. And I feel like crying because I have just taken out my first student loan, to become an art teacher, when there is a drastic move in the nation to cut the arts in the public schools and replace them with math and science and macho dominated sports programs. I can feel the lump in my throat as I think about the hole in my mom's car windshield and my van back at home, that needs a new engine.

And then I am reading this novel, Sky Burial, about a Chinese woman's journey to find her husband in Tibet, as they were both doctors and he was called into the army during the war between Tibet and China. This woman, Wen, had nothing. I mean a tea mug, a mattress, a blanket, and some plates and she was fine and happy with her husband, it was only when he left that she became so desperate and sorrowful. It just really makes me wonder what I really need. You know?

"What if God Was One of Us" is playing on the radio now. I couldn't have picked a more appropriate song for my mood right now.

And one of the worst things is that my birthday is tomorrow. And I am not even looking forward to it. Funny, huh? Its my twenty first and I am not really that bothered about it. Maybe its the alcoholism in the gene pool that makes me shudder about the thought. Man, today and now is just not a good time for me.

I wonder what it would be like to not worry about money. When will I ever reach that state? If ever? Well, they also say that the richest people in the world are those who are monetarily the poorest because they gave so much to humanity, and the monetarily richest people and emotionally the poorest because they had to step on so many people to get to that position.

Vent, maybe a little more later.