Gypsy to take over the world

So I've nearly survived all of my finals and just packing to go back to Socorro now. I am so looking forward to going back, everything is alright, for the first time. And I am genuinely looking forward to just hanging out with old friends and having a good time, going to a few summer classes, hanging out by the pool and running. But the good thing is, that I know I really like it here, at school so it will be cool to come back too. So, my life is essentially peachy. Sigh. Thank god. Staring at my little figure I found at the flea market last month in Socorro, its a wooden carving of a woman with a suitcase wearing maybe hungarian-gypsy garb and looking like she is ready to go any where and take on the world. I agree. Its going to be a blast. Here is one of my art works. Just packing up all the stuff I have plastered to my walls, thought I'd share a few. The best Bangkok Cafe ever - yellow curry with tofu. Oh man...

Beautiful songs and Sundays

Sitting on the floor in my dorm, soda in one hand and raw ramen in the other, writing the last of the research paper for human growth and development, I decide to take a break and do some writing. Listening to Damien Rice, what a hugely sentimental, honest and sad cd. I remember reading an essay by Edgar Allen Poe, his method of communicating beauty through sorrow. How, there is something about melancholy and depression and sadness that is familiar to every human being, and there is the reason why he relates all of his love stories through the sad tragedy of love, instead of through the fluffy white bunny shit. I always thought that was incredible - excluding the fact that he has been essentially written off by the public at large as a maniac and drunk/drug addict, but it was actually that he created this character to write through, in order to achieve the feeling of intense sorrow in his audience - and it worked.

Maybe that is why this song, "I can't take my eyes off of you..." has such resonance with me. It's so beautiful and sad, the longing and the wanting, yet the distance that is implied. There is so much sorrow in the song, that it is truly a beautiful song. But, it does end on a note of hope: "I can't take my mind off of you.... until I find somebody new."

So today has actually been pretty productive - went out for coffee with Erica, worked on putting some stuff together for tomorrow and am really feeling pretty efficient. Also went for a pretty impressive run - I am starting to feel myself preparing for a marathon. I think this is something I need to do. I think I still need a good challenge, just to make sure I am still sharp enough. Or else I just get lazy, and I don't usually watch tv, so I have a lot of time and might as well do something for my own body during that time. Hey, maybe I can get some sponsor ship towards the sustain group or some other charity group. Hmmmm..... there are definitely possibilities.

Beer, Pizza and Clock work

In honor of the Friday before finals, last night I walked down to Brickyard Pizza, ordered a beer and a slice of cheese pizza and hung out with Erica. I still don't like beer. But, the pizza was alright, nothing to really dwell on, but it was cheap and food, since that's all I was really looking for it worked out. Had a good time hanging out with Erica though. Then when we got back to the dorm we end up laying in the hall way analyzing the clock-work and micro mechanisms of ourselves and how we approach guys and how our past is influencing it and really introspective. A real chipper conversation - no, but it was honest and having that other person there to help you weed through your own overgrown analysis of yourself is definitely necessary. She was talking about how she uses humor to deflect real deep emotion, how her life experience has probably influenced that coping mechanism, and it was really interesting to see that as I think I tend to take things to heart and not really let them roll off. I always admired that about people who can manage to duck and run through life, while I always seemed to lift my head at just the right time to get hit head on with the situation and take it to the deepest level. But, thanks to waitressing and other situations I'm getting a pretty tough skin and starting to figure out when I can let the guard down and when to put it up. So, we're doing alright.

Talked to my mom this morning. "ya, and Emily came up on Tuesday and we went out for coffee, got my nose pierced..." Ya, way to go for subtle, right? Her exact words were "no comment." But, I've got to say, I really don't care if she's pissed. I didn't get it to piss her off or to get any reaction from her. It's something that I've been wanting to do for a long time and finally got the funds to get it done. And, I love it. I've definitely got a more edgey look now, but I think its more about an image I see as myself than as someone else's image of me. For once in my life I am not trying to impress anyone or prove anything to anyone but myself. And I really like this feeling. I still care about a lot of people and love being valued and connected in the many communities I've been absorbed into, but in my self I am validated because I love what I am doing in my life right now. And am open to what might come my way, knowing whatever it is I'll get through it and most likely have a damn good time while I'm at it.

Right On Track

Just watched "Garden State" and really got the tears flowing. Ah man. What is a feminist to do who is a romantic at heart? So here is the contradiction: I believe women have a right to stand up for themselves and own their own power, but I also believe that what we call masculine and feminine traits are not gender specific. That strength in a man or a woman is strength - whether it is of spirit or physical - and that there is a balance to be sought here. By romantic, I mean I believe in the strangely beautiful, the sentimental, strong attachment between people, with a fascination and enthusiasm for the other person. However, this is also an ideal and fictitious state, as defined by dictionary.com : proof that love hurts. But, perhaps love is a process, and not at all the one phase that we all long for - of being valued supremely by another human being and feeling that connection with another person. Because that's the shit. That's when you are invinsible and alive. But, the other stuff isn't so bad, really. Hell, it beats the alternative.

But, I've got to say, I am glad spring has finally shifted into summer as the prowling has finally settled back into the balance again. All the shit blooming and the hormones raging and everything and all the couples looking so loverly is enough to make a person sick and happy all at the same time. But, I am in a state of mind, I think one I haven't yet been in, of patience. Almost this feeling of wisdom, that intimacy takes time and requires vulnerability and trust on each part.

The good news is that the career is finally becoming reality and coming into a real job possibility. Let it be known that THERE ARE CAREERS IN THE ARTS!!!! And the arts is what I loves so I will find some way to live doing what I need to do to keep me alive. So apparently the career realm and the relationship realm are the two big question every person faces, and I'm gaining on one of them and learning patience in the other one, so looks like I am atleast going in the right direction.