An unusualy Tofurkyday

Thanksgiving was great. I am now living up in Albuquerque in a house with three older guys, who are also jazz musicians and along the waves of big brother types. Its funny, I've never been excited about getting to know people before, but since I have moved up to Albuquerque, it has been a real excitement getting to know new people. Dan and Ryan are "the guys" and very comforting to have around.

For Thanksgiving we had a huge pancake breakfast with a bunch of their friends and family. It was a really warm environment, but I couldn't help feeling that inner shy-mode kick in. There were a lot of nice people there and all seemed really interesting. It's so hard sometimes to just sink into the moment when I don't know anyone. But, tha pancakes were really good and I met a few artists and actresses so it was warm over all. The two cappucinos before everyone got there probably didn't help, though.

So after a hearty pancake breakfast I drove back to Socorro to eat some more with family. And that was also nice. I am always glad to see Stella, an old friend of Steve and Ann's as she is such a vibrant person. She lost her husband about six years ago and the way she talks about him, they must have been a beautiful sight to see. Stella is the one who embraces you in this all encompasing hug with a kiss on the cheek and tells you you look beautiful - and the amazing thing is that when she tells you, you really do feel beautiful. And, she tells all of the women that they are beautiful, and gives all the men a hard time about everything. She also has a lot of down days, which is probably why I feel a deeper understanding of her. It was great seeing her and the aunts who are always quick to embrace you despite any faults.

After the dinner I went to see Andrew and the other guys, and really enjoyed that. I always feel so comfortable around them - the absorbed family. Watched a movie, then played a heated game of pictionary and just felt good. Thinking back on it - its funny how much I enjoy being around them, just feels so familiar.

I also stopped to see Aileen, and really enjoyed that. She is another one of those truly warm people who I just love spending time with. And curled up with the cats for a while, which is always a simple joy.

I drove back to Albuquerque after Aileen's and crashed as soon as I got in. The next morning I walked out to my car to drive to work and found a guy in a red sweatshirt in the back seat, with the radio and cd player. He had broken the window but only stole those things. Made for a pretty shocking day and I couldn't even yell or ask for the stuff back. I just stood there and stared at him. I couldn't believe someone would actually do that. Why would they do that?

Well, guess it was a big wake up call - I am now in the big city. Heads up. Happy Tofurkyday to all.

The little Girl With in

Tonight I am feeling that scared and fragile little girl inside of me. The sheer vulnerability of a friend is breaking my heart and the tears are reminding me of other connections made and unmade. Some times I think I just need a good cry: to cry for the love lost, the friends made, the memories that flood in and swirl and warm while also chill me to the bone. Remembering the good times and the connections that gradually faded and also the new experiences that are unfolding every day, every minute. A whole new life could start in the next few seconds, or a new path could be recognized or discovered, or a passion embraced. It is like the time I found a bird in my back yard that had broken its leg, and I took it to school in a shoe box with an eye dropper so I could keep it company since it was hurting. The poor thing lasted the whole day, then when I got home it died, and I was devestated. "It didn't even have chance to fly away from that cat," I sobbed. The anger I felt at the injustice was so immediate that I wanted to hit the air in hopes of hitting an appendage of that thing called God. Why would someone be so cruel? The bird didn't do anything to deserve to die. or hurt.

That same sense of injustice, of but why? Why did this happen? Why to this person who didn't deserve anything painful, ever to happen to her? And then, I am laughing at myself through the tears as I imagine myself striking a picket sign, protesting God - boycotting anything that would inflict so much pain on such and incredible person, and leave her blind to her own inner strength. WHy, huh? That genuine sense of wanting to take on the universe to help this great friend shoulder the journey and the helplessness that you can't toucj something that deep in a person. How do you help a person, especially some one you care deeply about, to trudge through a journey that you yourself have just begun to bring to a close? How do you touch that part that has gone numb because of fear?

Touch. Friendship, Compassion, Patience, Time, Laughter, Tears... Breathe.

I think one of the scariest things is that the helplessness of the situation is completely reversed. Six months ago I was the numb one who was in danger, and now I am on the other side, trying desperately to help... what did I want from any one?