Wish on a dandylion

Last night I met a guy that I had been talking to over the internet, for coffee and a walk. While I was walking to meet him at my favorite coffee shop, I couldn't help but think, what the hell am I doing? Walking blindly into another date, which will be akward at first and then maybe we both relax and talk, try to get to know each other and determine if this person would be someone I want to spend more or less time with. It was nice, but more and more I am just getting bored with the dating scene. I mean, I love meeting new people but what I crave is the intimacy, which I know takes time and trust and effort, but there is a vulnerability that the guys I have dated (except one... in the distant past) are not open to. And then it only seems like I am the one who is vulnerable. But, perhaps because I allow myself vulnerabilities, I am stronger in myself. I think that is when I really begin to trust a person, when they trust me enough to show their vulnerabilities, that they are not perfect, but instead are imperfect enough to be beautiful.

And then while we are walking we start talking about past relationships and when my turn comes, I talk about my first love. And after we move on to another subject this guy I am walking with says I am still in love with my first love. I wonder, if we ever met, if that would still be there. I don't know. Or if it is the love that I miss, rather than the person I was in love with. I think love is addicting. To use a cliche. So, again, I really don't know, but it would be nice to believe in a real live love story, especially one that I play a central role in.

I guess I always want to believe that there is some romantic fairy tale out there, someone who will meet me and not be an old creepy guy or alcoholic, but a real normal person. Someone who will recognize the importance of the little things, and how much they mean to me. I went for a walk this morning and wished on a dandy lion that there will be someone for me to love who could love me too, soon. And that I can drink enough coffee to focus on all of the things I want to do and my dreams and research papers to keep my sanity and allow time to take its course.

But then tonight I went to a free concert, Reel Big Fish, an awesome ska band and just had a blast with my suite mate. There were two love-songs that totally reverberated with me. One was about a lover coming back and saying that she still loved the guy, and he says fuck you, where have you been for all of these years. Of course, I put myself in the position of the guy, imagining that someone would be telling me that they loved me after all these years. So, totally felt the fuck you vibe. Even though ironically now that I am thinking about it, that is probably the reaction I would get if I did pursue the old love thang' with the old love. Sometimes its nice to pretend that you don't care about it. The United States of Whateva... So, that idea is officially in the scrap heap. The other love song, I don't remember. I officially love ska.

Recipe for Hope for the Male Race

So, here is the thing. Sometimes being single sucks. Most of the time the whole feminist-independent-artist-dreamer-bohemian-agitator is awesome and I love it. But, then sometimes the moon is full and I wish that there was that companion, that best friend, that love thang.

And after a few in-the-moment mistakes for serendipitous, I've decided to give myself a concrete guide as I seem to be going around like that Dr. Seuss book, "Are YOu My Mom?" But not in that incestual way. But, looking at guys and thinking hmmm... are you a possibility? So here's the deal, if I figure out what I want and what I don't want, I'll be better able to identify the qualities...

Recipe:

1) Must have an incredible smile
2) Athletic (or enjoy physical activity and value good health - when I find this guy I want him stick around for a while)
3) Must be kind. This means so much to me - that a person would do something for spite is not cool, although in the past I know I have - so this is something I want to hold myself to, also.
4) Not be an alcoholic - occasional beer is cool, not one a day, not drinking to get drunk. Plus I can't stand beer breath.
5) Passionate about at least one something - have that curiosity and intensity for something that really gives him joy in life - a hobby, job, past time, activity, etc. I love trying new things and think that I really love seeing new things through art - its my translator for my life and the way I experience it. That is something that I do to bring joy into my own world. It roots me and aligns my energy. Energizes me. This is also something I love sharing with other people.
6) Must be able to make me laugh. Laughter heals so many things and feels great. That laughing until your sides hurt is the best.
7) Between the ages of 19 and 35. No exceptions. Why: bad experiences on both sides, I think at the position I am in in my life, I want to be able to share and learn with someone on a level playing field. Although I have been told that I am a"segregator of age," I am willing to take the chance. It's a pretty big gap there even, depending on life experience.
8) Be able to pursue dreams - and encourage and support my dreams. Emotional support. That constant hope that the other is truly doing what they dreamed they would do. Or to help you work towards getting there.
9) Romantic underneath it all. I am about as stubborn as they come, and would deny it if asked in person, but I am a romantic at heart. Ya, I want the flowers just because and the long walks and curling up together, and the special meaning dates, the suprises and the things that don't cost money but show a lot of thought was put into it. Kind of contrasts with the feminist sometimes.
10) Spontaneity: To run in the rain when its pouring outside and scream for the sheer delight of pounding puddles on wet pavement in bare feet. To be that comfortable with someone to just let it all out is awesome.
11) An appreciator of art