other people's dreams

I went to a chartering meeting today for a group I am a co-chair for. Last semester when I joined, I was so enthusiastic about it and really thought like I could make a difference there and thought that everyone was really into the group. But, today the president of the group backed out on the meeting for rechartering and it seems like I am the only one making things happen and everyone else is just sitting back and letting me. I have my own dreams that I want to make happen. I was excited to get involved here in this one, to help make someone else's dream possible and into reality, but now its like I am leading it and yea it needs to be done, but its not my dream.

So, perhaps it is time to live and let live and put this energy into my own dreams and make those happen. But, I do like the people and I don't want to burn any bridges with them, I just want them or others to help me out. Just a bit of ranting and see what I think in a few hours or if I need to take some action at some point.

Work hard and be nice

Sitting in the coffee shop in Albuquerque, thinking about the possibilities, that feeling that if I put my mind to it, I know I can do anything. The basic necessities are dedication, money, time and support and kindness. I know a teacher whose only rules for the class are to work hard and be nice. Seems like a great philosophy to me. With my cup of coffee, I take a deep breath and feel myself sinking into the cushion as Let it Be swirls through my brain, realigning my nerves and helping me prepare for the first day of classes, tomorrow.

I think the great thing about this year will be that I am ok. And I feel like crying because I am. That all I have to do this year is work and go to class. That's it!! How incredible. Deep breath and filling my lungs with that calmness. It's really going to be alright. Ha! I walked around campus this morning, all of the freshman look soooo young. It's amazing. I was that age once, too! Ha. I also think its amazing how much can change in a year or two. Hmmm.... I am taking today and nurturing that part of me that is excited for classes and that gets that sparkle in a new idea and a million ideas with one key of inspiration. How incredible. The things we can do. The things we have done, the things we have yet to dream of.

As I was sitting here a woman walked up to a table a bit a way and showed her new baby to an old friend. It was really great to see the joy that the father took in watching the reaction that the friend took in admiring his child. And the huge smile on the woman's face. I know I want to be a mother. At some point, after I've gotten myself a good job and home, I want to bring a child into my life, hopefully with a partner present. And I stream my dreams which flow like water through my fingertips, seep into the key board...

A Little Belly

So this summer I haven't run, like at all. And this morning I saw the difference - I've got a belly. So today I start a resolution to really take care of myself body, mind, and spirit. I will start running for at least 30 min every day until I get back into shape, and then up the mileage. I also want to start training for a bike trip in to South America, so biking long distances a few days a week should also help. My goal on the bike is 50 - 80 miles per day (to work up to). I think I want to do the bike trip after I graduate from college, get a steady job and things organized, maybe a house, and then before I get too tied down, I'll just hit the road. On my bike.

Week 1 July 10 - 17
Run 30 minutes 5 days a week
Bike 2 days a week
Nourishing the body: smoothie for one meal a day; start out with tofu scramble (green chile, tomatoes, spinach, spices), huge salad with humus and pita for dinner. 4 bottles of water

Dreams, plans and the universe

I am working at this coffee shop this summer, just off of the plaza in my home town. I have been thinking about how the plaza is/was the center of a town, like the polis in the Greek times or the belly button of humans. And, what really bothers me is that that is where all of the homeless people in Socorro hang out during the days. What bothers me is that they are disreguarded, human beings, who have been forgotten even though they are in the absolute middle of town. Perhaps I relate or feel compassion for these disreguarded members of the community as I feel I have been marginalized in the financial aid process at three different Universities and am waiting for an answer right now, at the latest.

Then today while I was at the bank, I looked down at my agenda, on the front of which I've done a collage with a photograph of the face of a native american woman with her hair trailing in a stream as she is looking off to the side. And when I looked up, the woman who was the teller had almost the same facial features. I couldn't help but smile to myself.

This morning while I was drinking my coffee I was cruising the net and found a site about concrete-mosaic sculpture and a workshop this summer in Mexico. I've been feeling drawn to Mexico for a while, so this opportunity sounds very serendiptous. And one that I think I need to go to. http://www.haciendamosaico.com/index.html. A jar will be started for this. Mmmm... I can't wait. March 1 - 7. It will be truly a great time.

I really is incredible, how efficient I feel lately, that I am really working and taking care of my own affairs. Paying my bills and feel like I am really on top of my bills and the like. Pretty exciting. I've got to say. I think I want to continue this organized, efficiency for a long time.

Tired

I am snuggled up on the couch in Socorro, after another summer day. It has been ok. I am satisfied, not exuberant or anything like that. But, I'm all right. This summer I've realized that I have a lot of different things that are really important to me than my best friend, here. I still love her and want to be there for her, but we have a lot of differences too. I really enjoy sitting around a campfire with good friends and a guitar and some strong red wine. She really likes going to Victoria Secret and to dinner and to the movies and shopping.

I've been watching some documentaries on tv recently, a lot on the subject of sex. There is a couple in Calcutta that is running a textile program that employs ex-sex workers to learn a trade and provides literacy classes as well as sets up a savings fund for each woman, while paying her the best wage possible. Another documentary was on the sexuality of disabled people, a sex surrogate can be acquired to help a disabled person explore his or her sexuality. I think I am depressed by the fact that a human being would have to pay for affection, for intimacy. To cover the physical loneliness with money. But, I am not in their shoes either, and I hope I won't ever be. I think it is sad, not to be wanted - I know that feeling. The need to be needed, that craving for physical touch is in every human being and an absolute necessity. Then I think about the research paper I wrote about the "Legal Rights of American Prostitutes," and my judgement becomes gray. After all, we are all just people, human beings.

I've been fighting this appeal for my sanity, to two universities and I am really hoping that this may be the last hoop I have to jump through. I will find out on July 7.

Shiny shades of molecules

Why I love art. Because today the mundane is sinking in and the tv shows are just distanced - like the Farenheit 451 book , where the people plug into walls and feel some artificial connection and are laughing at what is so artificial. But, if we plug into the tv which is only light played onto glass and sound vibrations it is so distant. I keep thinking about another perspective - another type of organism that is not capable of seeing this spectrum of light that we identify our world by. What if our ability to interpret energy wave-lengths shifted slightly, so we became unable to interpret what we know as "visual light" and started seeing different frequencies, no longer percieving color or the objects which compose the consumer-nation and personal world and we would all be blind. Capable only of knowing by conversation/communication and the whole judging and comparison would evolve to a different level, where we would envy others who have soothing voices instead of molecules grouped together in shiny shades and put on pedestal above other groups of laticed molecules...

Gypsy to take over the world

So I've nearly survived all of my finals and just packing to go back to Socorro now. I am so looking forward to going back, everything is alright, for the first time. And I am genuinely looking forward to just hanging out with old friends and having a good time, going to a few summer classes, hanging out by the pool and running. But the good thing is, that I know I really like it here, at school so it will be cool to come back too. So, my life is essentially peachy. Sigh. Thank god. Staring at my little figure I found at the flea market last month in Socorro, its a wooden carving of a woman with a suitcase wearing maybe hungarian-gypsy garb and looking like she is ready to go any where and take on the world. I agree. Its going to be a blast. Here is one of my art works. Just packing up all the stuff I have plastered to my walls, thought I'd share a few. The best Bangkok Cafe ever - yellow curry with tofu. Oh man...